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The truth about the trip

Not a post for the faint hearted or those with delicate sensibilities…!

Anyone who still has any misconceptions about this being a honeymoon, or – ha! – romantic, let me set you straight:

For starters, we’ve packed for 5 months. I have 5 pairs of pants – and that’s 2 more than mike thought was necessary! (2 of them the comfiest pants in the world courtesy of Livs – thank you!) 

We brush our teeth, morning and night – just before we put the toothpaste in with the other ‘food’ stuffs and make it bear safe – but thats about as far as personal hygiene goes. Our single small shampoo and body wash has lasted, barely touched, for a full month. We ditched the deodorant – too attractive to bears.

In very beary areas we have to provide defensive ‘cover’ to each other (read: stand nearby with bear spray) whilst we poo. There’s no other way to say it. This is less of an issue now we’re out of grizzly country, apparently black bears are more bashful. 

In very mosquito-y areas Mike has had to ‘defend the realm’ whilst it is exposed, and even apply DEET to my derrière. It still looks like a polka dot Tour jersey. 

As places to land become more difficult and more of a hassle to find we have taken to doing many things ‘on the float’ – making coffee, having lunch… peeing. I bought a US equivalent of a shepee for this trip. Annoyingly called a ‘Go girl!’ it is made of squishy silicone in an offensive baby pink colour.  Not only does it not work (I won’t go into details but know that they are tragic when you consider we can’t easily wash things) but I’d like to ask the manufacturers: why make it in a pink that could never come close to matching anyone’s skin tone but still manages to make it look absolutely obscene? And why is the only alternative camo khaki?! So I can easily hide it in the bush (…) or am I supposed to be sporting a camoflage rear? 

However, I would like to announce that I am now quite accomplished at peeing into a Nalgene bottle whilst standing up in a moving canoe. Thank you. 

Finally, 2 short weeks after our wedding I was standing in our bedroom, proud new owner of a mooncup, trying to explain to mike how and… no, just how it was going to work. Well, there are no mysteries left in our relationship now. 

It is worth saying that this particular piece of kit is genius. Think of the alternatives. Then think of the disposal. And the bears. Anyone who hasn’t a clue should google it. Especially, but by no means exclusively, if they’re female. 

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